if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
