One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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