last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
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