Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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