She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
