my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
