I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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