Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
