So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
