even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
