Can Purell be used as lube?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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