if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
