Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
