woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
