A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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