the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
