If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
