I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
