Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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