i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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