i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
