Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Mom said you looked used
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
