Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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