I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize