Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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