So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My cat gives me a boner
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
