from now on my penis is your penis
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
