He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
