Soap is not a condiment
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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