So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize