i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
