wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I intend to get homeless drunk
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Randomize
