Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
