Got a toothbrush?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
