If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize