No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
