I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
