I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
