: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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