Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
