My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize