If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
