So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
