Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
