Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
