I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
