i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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