I need help removing her.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
