took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
