Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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