This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
