I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
