yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
