I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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