You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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