Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
