No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
