You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
