Your tits are I can't wait for
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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