Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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