bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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