I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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