I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
