I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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