Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
