My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Houston, we have a squirter
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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