I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
