My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
